I can not believe it has been 3 weeks and 2 days that we have been home.
Ray is doing really well, We go to therapies 3 days a weeks for 2 hours one hour for speech and one hour for occupational. They manly focus on memory and cognitive problem solving skills. You can hardly tell an out word difference. It is his short term memory that is still really bad. his concept of time and things, it is hard to explain if you are not living it 24 hours a day.
Lily expressed to me the other day while she was in tears her concerns and fears about our dad. I was a little over whelmed because the kids seem to be handily the changes in our life fairly well. I was trying to console her with the what you say to kids after a horrible thing have happened (every thing is going to be alright, Dad is not dead) and she looked at me with those very perceptive eyes and said" Some times it feels like he is. When I look at him sometimes it does not seem like he is my dad. and then that makes me feel guilty because I know that he is my dad and he is trying really hard."
How that just hit me like a ton of bricks for that is the same things I have been struggling with there is not anything out right not right with Ray; not any thing some one walking down the street would say "oh look that guy died 6 weeks ago." It is just the little nuances that we love about our husbands that are not back yet. It can feel very lonely some days and some days I just feel like a broken record, having to tell Ray about conversations we had the day before, those are some of the things that we are working on in therapy he is learning to write notes down about his day and conversations.
We had a TEE this morning to confirm that he needs heart valve surgery and he does. They might be able to repair it and not have to put in a new one. That is great news. He will still have the ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) for the rest of his life but it looks like it should be a nice long life:)
Every night I go to bed and am thankful for The second chance Ray and I have been given. We are so blessed to be able to raise our children together and walk along the river or what ever because we literally have all the time in the world. I asked Ray if he had any of those feelings like the people on the moves have after coming back from the dead that they just want to go live life to the fullest and not waist any minute. He told me no that he just wants to raise our kids to be great individuals. I have to admit though I feel like we need to go on some great once in a life tome adventure. We have been given such a gift and we need to share that with people. Our family knows that our heavenly father lives and he has a great plan of happiness for us, how cool is that. And the reality is even though we have had this great and wonderful miracle in our lives I still had a hard time getting up and going to church this Sunday and we still have to deal with bills etc. I have realized through this whole thing, that does not mean I am a bad or week in spirit it just means that I am mortal the way that heavenly father created me and that he knows and loves me any way. Ray and I have been given an opportunity to better not only our lives but the lives of family and our friends. I hope that we we can and will do that in what ever way we can. For I know that all of you better My life with your love support and prayers.
